Friday, September 03, 2004

it is decidedly so

When I asked the Magic 8 Ball if I should do something I am kind of wavering about, that is the answer I got.

Then I asked three more times (as is my way) and got
Most Likely
My reply is No
Outlook Not So Good


Then, one last time for good measure I got "It is Decidedly So" again.

8 Ball, you're such a know it all.


what the foo?

Riddle me this - is the title you are looking at (the "buy me diamonds" up there) gray or pink? It is supposed to be PINK. Always PINK, dammit!

Sometimes when I look at my (very minimal. Hurumph) comments, it appears to be gray. What is UP with that??


I didn't know "democrat" was a swear

This is the warning lovely Dean got when he tried to visit this page from work -

InfoThe web content filter web traffic on the Local Area Network. The filter engine uses a variety of methods including phrase matching, URL filtering and black/white lists.
WarningWeighted phrase limit of 300 -- page score: 466 -
(xxx, ale)~
(xxx, beer)
+ (animal, fuck, chicken)
+ (animal, fuck, horse)
+ (erotic, fuck)
+ (erotic, xxx)
+ ( fist, fuck)
+ ( fist, xxx)
+ (fuck, horny)
+ (fuck, xxx)
+ (orgasm, fuck)
+ (whore, fuck)
+ ( xxx, fuck)
+ ( xxx, horny)
+ ( xxx, sex )
+ ( xxx, suck)
+ fuck~ science+ beer
~ e- card+ girl ~
+ orgasm+ whore
+ horny~ definition
+ sex + homo
+ homoerotic
+ erotic+
shit ~
bet + foto

I have never advocated sex with a chicken! But, hey, to each their own...


Thursday, September 02, 2004

Today I am obsessed with...

1. The fact that a man in front of me at the food truck line had a piece of what appeared to be pretzel stuck on his pants. It was really clinging on for dear life, and I wanted to tell him but I didn't because, more than that, I wanted to laugh at him.

2. What appears to be a Daily Headache I get brought on by Global Crackerhead/Captain Obvious/Crazy McNutbucket. Ow.

3. the Talking Heads song AND SHE WAS

4. Finding The Perfect Pair of Pants. Where are they? They are so fabulous. They just fit on my hips so cute. And they are just long enough that I look not so short but more "actual size" as my dad would say.

5. Trailer Trash nailpolish by Hard Candy. It's so pretty! Especially at the beach. In the sand. So, I should always be at the beach with my toes in the sand, dontcha think?

6. Margaret Cho

7. Big Brother. The dumbest show ever. Really. But so trashy! So fun! It's on tonight and I am kind of excited. Because I am a dork. And also, kind of a loser.

8. That one awesome part of Lipstick Vogue by Elvis Costello. You know which one.

9. The upcoming THREE DAY WEEKEND. I don't know when the last time was I was so excited about three days off. And I won't let you spoil my fun, so don't even try.

10. My new G-Mail account. Did you get the address? I sent it to you. And if I didn't, well, that means I don't love you and I am sorry. It's not you. It's me.


This baby does not deserve this

The caption to this photo should read;

"Who is the fuck is this doofus and why is he holding me like a potato?"


Wednesday, September 01, 2004

email me!

See that envelope down there? See it??

You can click on that and email a specific post to people. And since I just wrote about a bunch of yous, I know you may like to do that because you are vain and greedy and selfish and that is why you are my friend.




Ned is like the male version of me. I don’t know if he likes me saying that, but sometimes it feels so true, it bops me on the head.

Ned likes to be alone. He likes to hear music, and watch DVD’s and “cry softly into his pillow”. Ned is sardonic and caustic and fun. He has a special ring on my cell phone – his ring is drums.

Ned and I watch bad movies, and bad TV, and laugh.

Ned gets depressed and isolates himself. I worry about him. Sometimes he vanishes for awhile, but he always comes back.

Ned knows “the lucky ones are dead” will crack me up. Ned thanked me in his liner notes. He makes me feel all famous.

He’ll do the creepy voice from that movie that freaks me out. He knows which one. It makes me laugh and he won’t stop doing it.

Ned is there when I need him. He always comes to my birthday parties. He’s always the last to leave. He’ll help me clean up, if I want.



Sarah rocks my world.

She’s a brilliant person, a beautiful girl, a music lover, a wife and a mommy. Not necessarily in that order. All things are equal with Sarah.

She is a Virgo, she's a silly woman. She always has the Right On observation. She is smart, smart, smart.

Sarah has the best insults. She invented Motard, and Fucktard, and others about our President Lunkhead which are sadly escaping me now.

Sarah loves her sister. She misses her a lot. Sarah needs more grown up friends. Sarah calls cute boys “cup cakes”. Sarah gave Frank Black a book and talked to him for awhile. He was short, y’all.

Sarah has Rampant Bob. He’s a Graduation Chicken. You should see the video, cause it is classic. They are perfectly matched and that makes me happy.

They made Zelda. She’s their Science Girl. She loves dinosaurs and movies and making art. She is famous for “the herd is sleeping uneasy. Without their dominant female, they will not survive”, among other things.

Sarah sends me presents. Music that I need. Cards that include dirty pictures found in nature. She writes “how could they not KNOW?” and sends Elroy her love.

Sarah is one of my best friends, and I have never been in the same room as her.

Today is Sarah’s birthday. I wish so much that I was there with her to have a beer and watch Stuart Saves His Family! But I am there in spirit, bowing down at her feet.

Sarah is worthy of that, and so much more.


Andy has always lived in Edinburgh. I found him on the Frank Black board, or did he find me? He sent me a e-card of Billy Bragg, two years ago. I talk to him every day.

Andy is a dad. Andy has three kids! Andy finally has his boy. He’s a “mean teaser”, and his girls tease back. He loves it.

He loves music. He loves Frank Black. He talked to McDave in his silly flat cap. He embarrassed himself at a Chuck Prophet show. It’s a good story.

Andy tells good stories.

Andy is smart. He may suffer from Bell’s Palsy. His emails are the highlight of my day.

Andy has a funny wife. She won me over telling me she would spit a drink in my face. You may have had to be there. I said I liked “angry humor”. She said “that’s why you like Andy!”

Andy is generous. He sends me emails when I am blue. I visited him for four days and never once paid for a thing. His daughter called me “Amalie” and wanted to know my “short name”. Andy asked her not to poke me in the face.

Andy gets annoyed. Andy is tired. Andy is hysterical.

I feel lucky to have met him. Sometimes things work out just the way they should.

Andy is my friend.



Alex puts things in perspective. She’s the one I call in the worst moments. She’s smart, and clever. She makes me feel better.

Alex is a mom. She made an awesome brilliant person who is all the best parts of her – in a smaller package.

Alex loves music. And beer. And silly movies. We can watch TV for hours together and never be bored. We can lay around and do nothing and have the best time.

Alex is a spaz. She’s a crack up. She sarcastic and prickly and awesome.

I’ve known Alex since I was 10 or 11 years old. I thought she was a fun grown up. Now I know she’s an amazing friend.

Alex thinks I’m smart. And a good writer. She doesn’t understand what is wrong with that boy. She once almost ran him over, to make me laugh. She cornered him in a bar and told him I was great. Alex goes out on a limb.

Alex needs someone awesome. Alex is busy. She’s tired. She’s happy.

Alex is getting the life she deserves.



I thought she was a snob.

She never said a word to me until Halloween. She was dressed as a Powerpuff girl. She made the costumes. She was so cute. So pretty. So talented. She was like the fabulous girl in the window who you look at, but you aren’t friends with. She’s too amazing and elusive for you – she doesn’t need more friends.

The Procrastination Chair forged our friendship. I would sit at her cube and play with her Barbie doll collection. Please don’t get her anymore Barbies, she doesn’t need them.

She talked about her “ex” a lot. I thought she meant an old boyfriend. One day, I somehow realized “X” was her husband. She was married! She had a husband! It was shocking and amazing. I wanted to know everything about her.

She told the story about the woods and the whipcream. The woman on the horse. I laughed so hard, I cried.

Pinky is “pinky” b/c she wore a pink fleece. She liked Barbie. I got her a Barbie calendar and that was it. She loved me too.

Pinky moved to New York. Pinky loves chocolate, and her kitty, and the spaceship noise. She cracks me up. She listens to me cry. She believes me when I say he might be The One. She wants to "krush him with the kar". Pinky will do anything for her family. Sometimes they don't appreciate everything she does. They should throw parades in her honor! But she knows, that's just how it is.

Pinky is a princess.

Pinky found her match. Pinky knows what she wants. She gives me hope.


beginning to end

Go read Sarah's beginning to end entries. They are so nice.

I am working on my own rip off of her idea now...


Tuesday, August 31, 2004

another one bites the dust

I used to think Stephen Baldwin was kind of cool (he was in Usual Suspects and he was kinda hot. Something about a guy in a black tight sweater) but then appeared on The Mole as a sexist pig who was funny but also kind of an asshole. Now there is this (from IMDB) :

Actor Stephen Baldwin is throwing his support behind President Bush in the forthcoming Presidential election - because his country's leader is "being led by God". The former liberal and now born-again Christian is attending the Republican National Convention in New York to cheer on the current premier, who he deems has more faith than Democrat Presidential candidate John Kerry. Baldwin tells gossip site Pagesix.Com, "I'm there to support the man I believe has the most faith. That's who I'm voting for. I believe the next president should be a guy who is being led by God. I believe there is one guy, and that's the guy I want to vote for." As for any disharmony between him and his Democratic-supporting siblings Alec and William, Baldwin comments, "I don't have a perception about that."

Good-bye, Stephen. Go with God.


comments are the new drug

I know lots of you are reading (cause you've told me so) - so post me some comments, fools!

Comments are the new crack and I need some crack!

Okay, I just scared myself a bit...


what's slang to me and Mug

Miss Mug's defintions:

Cheetos: Sex, sexual satisfaction. Mmm, yummy. Come on, you know you want some! As in, "If I don't get some Cheetos soon I'm pretty sure I will perish," or "I was in this stupid meeting and that cute guy was making a presentation, and I was all trying to pay attention and takes notes and stuff, but all I could think was mmmm...Cheetos."

Stuff: Tender bodily region. That whole area, you know, down there. Used for men or women, cause, well, it's complicated, no? Examples: "Ugh. My stuff hurts. And not for the right reason." Or, "Jesus, I just wanted to kick him right in the stuff."

And a third one I couldn't even try to explain (but which comes from Mug's metaphor for The Motard):

Furla with a pen mark: Devastatingly desirable love interest who is tragically and irrevocably fucked up. Comes from the horrible experience of finding an orgasmically amazing Furla purse at Filene's basement that happens to have a big fat ballpoint pen mark across it. You look and you look just hoping the penmark will not be there, cause it's the only purse of its kind in the bin, and it's beautiful, but still, it's ruined, and why should you have to get something that is ruined? The Furla-with-a-penmark love interest is just like that-- you want and want that big horrible flaw to not matter, but it just keeps on mattering. You wish it didn't, oh how you wish, but it does, no matter how much you look, or how much you think about it.


Monday, August 30, 2004

what's slang to you...

Pamie once put up an entry on all the slang she used in her life.

I have been meaning to do the same for awhile. Here is my first crack at it - I know there are VERY IMPORTANT THINGS I am forgotting. Which I will remedy as soon as my brain decides to cooperate -

Here are the first ones which came to mind -

Buy me diamonds – the name of this blog comes from a conversation Pinky and I had probably two years ago. I can’t even remember how it started, but it involved some kind of gift her husband had bought (or was buying her) and how we are princesses and deserve diamonds. It became something like “we know they are expensive and unreasonable but we don’t care. Buy me diamonds!” and a legend was born.

Cheesewhore – what I am. A whore for cheese. Now four year old Lucie will describe herself as a “cheesewhore!” to any and all who will listen. Possibly inappropriate. Definitely funny.

Chee-tos – the easiest way to describe this is “horny”. Miss Mug is going to write a proper definition for this and I will add it ASAP.

Cool with a K! – This initially came from the Television Without Pity recaps of 24 starring Kiefer. by Gustave. All things belonging to Kiefer would somehow incorporate the K. Kiefer kopter, Kiefer kapture, etc. This all kame to a head when Pinky spotted Kiefer in New York and yelled out “Kiefer, we think you’re cool with a K!” Of kourse, since then, it has pretty much been retired. You kan’t get much better than that!

Crapper – born from the Henhouse. Mereubu knows a kid who used to crap on the floor (charming!) and I one day referred to him as “The Crapper”. It is now a swear (“crapper!”) and also a base for other fabulous words like craptastic and craptacular.

Crying by candlelight – this was invented about Mug’s tragic relationship with He Who Shall Be Unnamed. It was all very Sense and Sensibility, dramatic in darkness and tears by candelight. That’s all there is to it.

DJ Ortho – my fabulous funny cousin (Hi, dude!). She broke a bone in her foot. On her boot there was a reflective sticker which said “DJ Ortho”. That is now her name.

Doll parts – Another born from Pinky and I. She once explained to me at length how she couldn’t wear her hair down b/c she has large parts like “doll parts” in her hair and it was horrible and blah blah blah. Of course, this is imperceptible to anyone else, so it turned into, “that thing you hate about yourself? Doll parts!”

Exciting kick – this comes from Say Anything. I used to use it as a way to say “cool” but I hardly ever do that anymore. Sometimes I still think it though. I am weird that way.

Everyday brain – this is a new one. It may or may not catch on. I was describing something to Mug and said it was “not in my everyday brain” meaning I didn’t think about it on a regular basis. I liked it. I may put it out there as the new cool catch phrase. Or possibly my new band name.

(the) Henhouse – was initially a thread that I (as “ramona”) started on the Frank Black board. At first it was called “Besides Frank” and then it evolved into a topic some 100 pages long about sex and boys and families and fun. I met two of my best friends in the universe there (Mereubu and Ten Percenter) and now we have our own Yahoo group by the same name.

HoYay – another from TWoP. Means “homoeroticism yay!”

Manson lamps – Crazy eyes. From the Sopranos. Funny cause it’s true.

Mereubu - my awesome friend, Sarah. She lives in Arkansas. I wish she lived closer. She has an awesome husband, named Bob and a kid who rocks named Zelda. I heart her.

Pinky - my lovely friend, Jennifer. She doesn't like the name Jennifer. She does like Pink. I started calling her "Pinky" to find our own happy medium.

Starbucks Straw - sometimes at Starbucks you get a medium drink and a straw that is meant for a large drink and it more than you need. This can also be used to describe boys, um, stuff.

Stuff – this is your private area. Your boy parts, or girl parts. Another one Mug will write a definition of. In a sentance it could be "my stuff hurts", good for girls especially b/c it describes the ENTIRE AREA and not just one particular part.

Tallulah – another nickname for me. Comes from the childrens Maisey books. Tallulah is Maisey’s friend who just shows up at convenient or awkward times. Mug's son has a book, we decided I am that chicken.

Ten Percenter - Andy in Edinburgh. He cracks me up on a daily basis (in which I shove my fist in my mouth to not lose my shit at my computer screen). He lives in Scotland with his wife, V, and their three kids. I miss him.

Typical boy – he does something that is so STRANGE and CONFUSING. It’s just typical. Typical boy. This is also my yet to be invented all girls band name.

Mug - my very good friend, selfmademug. Name comes from an Elvis Costello song quote which goes (in part) "a self made mug is hard to break". Once I gave her a necklace with this inscribed on it. I think she liked it.


Signs point to Yes

Playing with the Magic 8 Ball.

Warning: Could be very addictive and prevent getting any work done.

because I said so