Monday, August 23, 2004

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall

Something about my mirror at home is messing with my life.

When I walk into the bathroom in the morning, it goes like this:

Mirror: Hello! You look sleepy! But pretty! You're pretty! I like your hair! Even when you have bed head, it's still very nice. NICE!
Me: Thanks. I will wet it and then style it too.
Mirror: That will be lovely! And beautiful! I like when you style your hair STRAIGHT! Do it, straight!
Me: Okay, I will.
Mirror: Great!

15 minutes later, I have dried my hair and I have a curly freakout on the side, but otherwise, I am on my way.

Mirror: Put on some concelear! You have a PIMPLE!
Me: I know. I see it.
Mirror: Okay. It's right THERE! By your NOSE!
Me: I know.
Mirror: ....
Me: Okay?
Mirror: LOVELY! I never would know you ever had a pimple! Wear the Clinque lipstick! The brown one!
Me: Okay. Calm down.
Mirror: Oh-KAY!

Finally, I decide I am done and take one last look.

Mirror: You look BEAOOOOTIFUL. It will be a great day! See you later! Bye!
Me: Bye. Thanks.
Mirror: Bye! Have a great day! Be beautiful!
Me: Okay. Bye.
Mirror: Byeeee!
Me: Bye. Stay here. I'll see you later. Don't follow me.
Mirror: Bye, Beautiful!!

Then I get my iced coffee and I get on the train. I look in the train window and I hear
Subway Window: What are you wearing?
Me: Um, just this shirt. It's from the Gap.
Subway: Why did you wear that shit...I mean SHIRT?
Me: I don't know. I thought it was okay.
Subway: Er. Alrighty. Whatever you say.
Me: Well....?
Subway: I've seen you look better. [pause] And what is happening with your hair?

At work the bathroom mirror must also get in on the action:

Work Mirror: Hi.
Me: Hi?
WM: That lipstick is no good in here.
Me: Eh...
WM: Did you listen to that other mirror again? She's such a suckup.
Me: Well, in that lighting...
WM: It's not the lighting.
Me: Okay.... I'm going to go in the stall now.
WM: Alright. [judgemental pause] Change your shirt while you are in there.

When I get home it is always the same

Mirror: You look tired!
Me: Yep.
Mirror: Wash your face and you'll feel! Better!
Me: ...
Mirror: Are you OKAY!?!
Me: Just some people told me they didn't like my shirt.
Me: ... and my lipstick
Mirror: OH NO.
Me: I know.
Mirror: But you are BEAUTIFUL!
Me: You keep saying that.
Mirror: Really! Don't beat yourself up!
Me: Um. Thanks. I guess.
Mirror: Yay!
Me: Okay. I'll see you later.
Mirror: Not if I see you first!
Me: Yeah,...good one. Bye.
Mirror: Byeeeeeeee!

because I said so